Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party