Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.