WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
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My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.