Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

never ask a starfish for directions

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again