Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?