Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

Spotted in New Orleans.

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS