WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
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[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
no!! no!!!!!!
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!