Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.