Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

incredible google review i just found

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

Solving a traffic jam

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?