Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream