Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: in these trying times

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: you can count on toyota

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.