wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.