wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
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bout dat hot dog summer
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.