Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?