Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.