Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
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Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.