Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

a New Yorker reject, for you

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule