Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
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I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
HR said no more nunchucks.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…