Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
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Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*