Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
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Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.