Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

is this store having a stroke wtf

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.