Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
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Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Oops 🤭
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Bread puns are on the rise!
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.