Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
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Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I unironically love this joke.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*