Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

no way 😭

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.