Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

I would not survive a horror movie. I’d be the fool who investigates a strange noise, trips over her own shoelace and lands face first in a bear trap.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

I really had high hopes for this year though

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind