wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
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*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
What the dentist sees
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
