wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
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[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
This kid is going places
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.