wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple