Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

Taliband

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.