Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

How to cook crack and clean a crab.

Step 1 – use commas

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”