wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
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thanks auntie mary
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The first one, obviously
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me too door. Me too.
