Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*