Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

trivia

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO