wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
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I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere