Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
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What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
live, laugh, laundry.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS