Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
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Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.