Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
You Might Also Like
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”