@AmericanGent69

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

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@MelvinofYork

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

@blahdevivre

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

@GashleyMadison

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

@mc_funbags

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

@mostlysharks

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

@electrolemon

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”