Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
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You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison