WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
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I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
giddy up Office Depot
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.