Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

i hope my email finds you on fire

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.