WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
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The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
No, YOUR illiterate.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it