WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
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At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
$4 #usedbooks
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
when nothing goes right… go left
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.