WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
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My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.