Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

mechanics be like

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy