wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
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We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Owl Sanctuary
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check