wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
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Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”