Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

それは草

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going