Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
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Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
what could possibly go wrong?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I saw nothing