Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

That’s amazing.

Today’s tshirt

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.