Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

Haha! 😂

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.