Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
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I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Your honor these allegations are
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
yall want some gasoline milk
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito