Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
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I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”