Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hand it over!

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.