Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

Buck naked

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.