Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it