Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

I gave up going to work for lent.

Monday

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

Zack Greinke stories are the best

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.