Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.