Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

Close call…

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

Spent two days in bed with the flu and didn’t have to make dinner. So now I’m thinking about pulling a Grandpa Joe and staying in bed to get out of making dinner for another decade

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

There are usually two types of merchants.