Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
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I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really