Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

I love wikipedia

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed