Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays