Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.