Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

selena gomez

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

The internet is magic sometimes.

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL