WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
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NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before