Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.