Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

When I said I liked it rough.

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me

date: omg just tell me you’re not interested

cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Social Media and Real life