Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.