Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids![]()
You Might Also Like
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
![]()
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I’m aging like a fine banana
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.