Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
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At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or