wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
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the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater