wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
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Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate