wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
You Might Also Like
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
dogs can find happiness so easily
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”