Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
