Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
