Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
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Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Phonetics
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun