We’re out of toilet paper, also don’t pet the cat.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
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DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If you didn’t wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn’t have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.
If you want to interrogate someone, do it in German
You could say “I love you and brought you flowers” and I’d shit myself!
I got a job today so I guess I’ll finally be getting paid to tweet.
Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.