Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

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Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”


As I mentally undress you my OCD kicks in and I mentally fold all your clothes.


I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.


A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.


[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”

“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks


In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.


Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am


*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!