Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
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Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
As I mentally undress you my OCD kicks in and I mentally fold all your clothes.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!