Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
courtroom exchange of the day
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I have obtained a hat
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
