Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
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There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
is this how new cars are made??
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan